


Love Is

by dracoqueen22



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Campaign 2 (Critical Role), Gen, Set After They Acquire the Xhorhouse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-19
Updated: 2019-08-19
Packaged: 2020-09-07 03:03:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20302381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dracoqueen22/pseuds/dracoqueen22
Summary: Neither of them prone to insomnia, Caduceus and Jester nonetheless find solace in a late night conversation brought upon by sleeplessness.





	Love Is

Caduceus Clay is not a being often struck by insomnia. 

He has his issues, he wouldn’t be mortal if he didn’t, but failure to sleep isn’t usually among them. A good cup of tea, a comfortable bed, a few quick words to Melora, and he’s swept into dreamland with ease. 

Tonight is apparently an exception to the rule. 

The problem is not his comfort. 

The home is new. The bed is new. The tree, jutting from the top of the tower of their home, is as large and sprawling as an ancient being, but it, too, is new. He stares up into the branches, counts the whorls in the growths as though they’ve had years to sow themselves. The glass jars he and Jester made twinkle back at him. 

It’s as soothing tonight as it has been in past nights. 

Sleep eludes him. 

Caduceus doesn’t toss and turn. But his eyes won’t shutter and his breath won’t even. He lays with his hands folded over his stomach, hair loose behind him, blanket tucked just under his bellybutton. He’s as comfortable as he can be. 

He hums a little tune. He counts the fluffy sheep leaping over a wooden fence, worn and splintered with age, randomly placed in a wide meadow full of flowers. 

He spends an hour trying before he loses count and decides it is a waste of time. Sleep is not his to be had at this moment. 

He rises, scratching faintly at his belly where an itch has settled. He yawns because he's tired, and wishes he could sleep. He wanders to the tower's edge, looking out on the sleeping city of Rosohna. It's night-time, though it's hard to tell either way with the blanket of twilight draping the entire region. 

There are few people in the streets. Few citizens rather. There are guards, patrolling at a lazy pace, talking quietly among themselves. A breeze rises up, tugging at Caduceus' hair, and he twists it into a loose and lazy bun at the top of his head. It won't hold up to exertion, but it'll do for now. 

He yawns again. 

Perhaps a cup of tea is in order. And something from the pantry. There should still be some biscuits left from dinner. 

Caduceus goes downstairs, into the house proper. It's still and quiet, most of the Mighty Nein deep in slumber, tucked safely in their own beds. 

Oh. Not everyone. 

Of all of the Nein Caduceus expects to find still awake, Jester is not who he would have guessed. She usually has no trouble sleeping, and with her cheerful outlook, it's hard to imagine how anything might trouble her. 

But then. 

It's a troublesome time. 

Caduceus knows all too well how an individual might smile on the outside, while shedding tears freely on the inside. 

"Oh, hi, Caduceus," Jester says with a bright smile and a wiggle in the chair. "I didn't know you were still awake." 

"I say the same thing about you." He summons water for the kettle and sets it over the woodstove. Chamomile, he thinks, and a bit of lavender. That should do the trick. "Is everything all right?" 

"Well, nothing's wrong," she says, and her elbows hit the table with a light thump. She cradles her chin in her palms, watching him work with idle flicks of her tail. "I was just thinking." She wrinkles her nose. "It's hard to think when Beau's snoring, so I came down here where it's quiet." 

Caduceus pulls out two mugs and the small jar of honey. "Do you want to be alone?"

Jester sighs, soft and quiet. "I never want to be alone," she says, and it's in such a small voice, Caduceus' heart pangs with sympathy. He'd been alone for some time in the graveyard, but he knows Jester's childhood had been one of a loneliness far worse. 

"Well, we can sit here quietly, if you want. So you are both alone and not alone." Caduceus pulls out a plate and rummages around until he finds the cookies he hid from both Nott and Beauregard. "I don't want to intrude." He sets the plate down in front of Jester, and her eyes widen with delight. 

"Thank you, Caduceus," Jester says, and takes a cookie in each hand, nibbling on the first with evident enjoyment. "You're really wise, did you know that?" 

Caduceus chuckles and pulls the kettle off the stove before it starts to whistle. "Not according to my sisters, but I thank you for the compliment." 

"Fjord thinks you're psychic." Jester laughs quietly, but there's an ache in her voice when she talks about their occasional leader. 

"The correct word is perceptive," Caduceus says as he pours the hot -- not boiling -- water over the leaves, their fragrance immediately floating up to his nose. His ears flick with delight. "Mr. Fjord is joking when he says that, I believe." 

The crunch of half a cookie being consumed rises from behind him. "It's hard to tell when he's joking sometimes. He's a good actor." 

"So are you, Ms. Jester." Caduceus gently sets the cup in front of her, steam rising up in light curls from the surface. "Be careful, it's hot." 

"I will." Jester smiles at him and cups the mug gently, inhaling the aroma with a little smile. Cookie crumbs linger at the corner of her lips, and Caduceus finds the image too adorable to point them out. 

Sometimes, he forgets how painfully young the Mighty Nein are. And sometimes, he forgets how young he, himself, is. 

Clarabelle will love Jester, should they ever have chance to meet. They are like minds. 

Caduceus blows over the surface of his tea, cooling it a bit, before he sips, and the warmth of it flows over his tongue, soothing and familiar. 

"How many sisters do you have, Caduceus?" 

"Three." He smiles, thinking of his siblings, who he loves despite how much they annoy and frustrate him. It's possible such things are the way you are supposed to feel about siblings. 

"Do you miss them?" There's an ache of longing in Jester's voice. Of the Mighty Nein, she and Caduceus are the only ones with family they speak of. 

Nott/Veth is another matter entirely. Different situation. 

Caduceus sips his tea, humming as the blended flavor sits on his tongue. "Sometimes." 

"Do you think about them a lot?" 

He tips his head. "Sometimes." Caduceus' mouth curves into a fond smile. "But I'm confident I'll see them again." He pauses, corrects, "Or perhaps it's more accurate to say I trust that I'll see them again." 

"Oh." Jester's shoulders hunch. She cups the mug and stares into the surface, her eyes softening with sadness. 

Caduceus nudges the plate of cookies a few inches closer. There's very little a sweet treat can't cure. "You worry you won't see your mother again." 

Jester chuckles. "See? You say stuff like that, and it's why Fjord thinks you're psychic." She does, however, take another cookie and stuff half into her mouth. "It's pretty good. But I miss pastries. Can you make those?" 

"I can certainly try. I think there are a few in the book you gave me." 

Jester wrinkles her nose. "Not ones made with fungus, are they?" 

Caduceus laughs. "Not if you don't want them to be, but don't discount them just yet. You'd be surprised how much flavor they add." 

"I don't think that's the kind of flavor that should be in pastries," Jester says with a roll of her eyes. She's smiling behind her cup, however. "I'd give them a try though. For you." 

"I appreciate the trust in my skills." He sips at his tea, tail set into a lazy sway behind him, and closes his eyes, savoring the heat and taste. He's tired down to his bones, but something across his skin brims with energy, keeping him awake. 

"Caduceus, can I ask you a question?" 

"Of course." He sets down his cup, giving her his full attention. 

Jester has that pensive look again, the one which makes her look closer to her age, rather than her usual child-like enthusiasm. 

She stares into her tea, slowly spinning the cup with her fingers. "Have you ever been in love?" 

"Hmm." Caduceus sits back and thinks about it. 

He hasn't had occasion to meet many people outside of his family, and those he has met, their acquaintances have always been brief. The Mighty Nein are the first people he's spent an extended time with who weren't related to him by blood. 

"I don't know," Caduceus finally answers. 

Jester slumps a little. "That's a stupid question, I guess." 

"There are no stupid questions," Caduceus replies, only to pause. He hums. "Well, I suppose there are, if you were to ask me something obvious or absurd, but this question isn't one of them. It's a genuine curiosity." 

Jester giggles at him, and her lips curve into a soft smile. "You're so strange, Caduceus. You fit right in with us, you know that?" 

"Strange to some, yes. I do know that." Caduceus takes a sip of his tea, which has gone a little cold, but the warmth of Jester's words fixes that. "I am glad you think I fit in. Sometimes..." He trails off, hesitating. 

Jester sits up and pays attention, suddenly as alert as she is in the middle of battle. "Sometimes what?" she asks, and reaches across the table to put her hand on his. "You know you can tell me, right? I'm a good listener." 

_The world is a lot bigger than your graveyard._

"Yes, you are," Caduceus concedes. He weaves a small cantrip with his free hand, warming his tea once more. "I was only going to say... I do worry I don't have a place here. With the rest of you." He's more than aware he joined them during a time of great loss, and while he's never intended to be a replacement, he worries about the empty place in their group, that he's a poor addition to it. 

Jester's eyes widen. "Oh, no, Caduceus. That's not true at all." Both of her hands grasp his, and she all but lays half-across the table in her sincerity. She's so full of emotion, she can barely contain it in her body, and it's one of the things Caduceus loves about her. 

Hmm. Love. 

It's a complicated thing. He knows Jester refers to romantic love, perhaps in reference to Mr. Fjord, but there are so many types of love. 

"I know we can be a bunch of jerks sometimes, Beau especially, but she doesn't really mean it, she just doesn't know how to be nice," Jester says earnestly, her tail waving wildly in the air behind her, quietly without the bells she's taken off for the night. "And Nott didn't mean to kill you, that was totally an accident. And we didn't mean to leave you behind at the docks either, everything just got so crazy. And... and..." 

She pauses. Blinks. Groans and puts her forehead on the table, her face hidden by a fall of tousled blue hair. 

"Now that I think about it, no wonder you worry. We're kind of terrible, aren't we?" Her hands squeeze his, and there's so much regret and concern in her voice, Caduceus can't help but melt. 

He's long thought Jester is the heart of the Mighty Nein, and he's even surer of it now. 

"You're not terrible. We're not terrible," Caduceus says. "We're just people. It's the nature of things." He squeezes her hands back. "Don't worry. I don't hold a grudge or anything. The mind, you know, it has its own patterns sometimes." 

"We don't want you to leave," Jester says. "Well, I know I don't, and I'm pretty sure no one else does either. We like you, and you definitely belong, okay?" She punctuates each statement with a little defining shake to his hand. "So don't think any different."

Caduceus lowers his tea and closes his hand over hers, offering a smile. "Thank you. I appreciate you saying that. It's a real comfort to me." 

"I'm glad." Jester's smile is blinding for its sincerity and it's charm. She squeezes his fingers. "If you ever need to talk or if you're ever worried, you just come to me, okay? I may not have good advice, but I can listen." 

Caduceus smiles softly. "I will." He nods and withdraws his hands in order to lift his tea again. "I think I might have an answer for you, too." 

She blinks at him and slides back into her seat with a little thump. "But I didn't ask a question." 

"You did earlier." 

"Oh, right." Jester laughs. She props her chin on her hands, her cheeks squished up by her fists. "Who were they?" 

Caduceus shakes his head and finishes off the last of his tea, swirling the dregs around the bottom of the cup. "I've never been in love, but I have and do love," he says. "There are many different kinds of love, after all." 

"I know that." Jester's shoulders slump a little, as if disappointed, and her tail stops excitedly twitching, dropping instead to a disappointed drape over her arm. "I mean, obviously the love I have for my mama is different than the love I feel for... um... other people." 

"You mean Mr. Fjord." 

Jester's skin flushes a deep purple, and her eyes widen. "No, no, no. I don't love Fjord. We're just friends." 

"You can love your friends," Caduceus points out. 

Her eyes narrow now, and she gives him a suspicious look. "That's different, but I guess that's what you're trying to say, huh? That maybe I shouldn't worry so much about what kind of love it is, and just let it be." 

"Did I say that?" Caduceus props his chin on his palm. 

Jester points at him with a shaking finger. "You see. This. This right here is why Fjord thinks you're psychic." She waggles said finger at him. "You're too smart for your own good sometimes." 

Caduceus chuckles. "Smart is not a compliment I'm used to getting, though I'm happy you think I am." He taps the table in front of her abandoned cup. "Does it help?" 

She sweeps the cup from the table, seemingly without thinking about it, and takes a sip. "Kind of. I guess. I just wish, you know, I could know." She drums her fingers on the table. "Do you think it's possible to love more than one person?" 

"The heart has a lot of room inside of it," Caduceus says. "So yes, I do. And don't worry. I'm sure Mr. Fjord loves you. Maybe not the way you'd like him to, but it's love all the same." He takes one of the cookies and nibbles on it. "You're easy to love." 

Jester giggles. "Really? You think so?" She peers at him, her lips curved, her tail starting a wild swish again. "Do you love me, Caduceus?" 

"I do. Very much." 

Jester's smile could have cleared up the storm and brought in sunshine. "I love you, too." She takes a long, long sip of her tea which ends up emptying the cup. "I think I can sleep now. I feel much better. Unless you want me to stay?" 

"I do believe I feel better, too." Caduceus finishes off his cookie and brushes away the crumbs. "Good night. Sleep well." 

"You, too." Jester hops up, kisses him on the cheek, before flouncing away, her tail swinging happily behind her. She's humming a little as she heads for the stairs. 

The kitchen feels colder without her. 

Caduceus gathers up the dirty cups, washes them, and sets them out to dry. He tucks the leftover cookies back into the pantry, washes the plate, and lets the silence of the Xhorhaus surround him. 

Fatigue sets in his bones. He yawns. His eyelids droop. He's sleepy after all. 

He douses the lanterns and makes his way back to his room by memory and feel. It isn't until he's climbing the stairs, almost to the apex, that realization hits him. He laughs quietly to himself, and address that warm, tender place inside of him where his faith resides. 

"I see what you did now," he murmurs. "Thank you." 

There's a whisper of touch across his shoulders, a puff of wind without source which ruffles his hair and kisses his cheek. 

He tucks himself back into bed, under the boughs of the tree and the twinkling lights, and this time, he has no trouble falling asleep. 

***

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback, as always, is greatly welcome and appreciated. I'd love to know how I'm doing interpreting these characters. :)


End file.
